First blog post

My name is Ary and I’m starting College. Basically, I created this blog to document both the good and bad that comes with being at this stage in my life. So, let me share a little about me. As you know my name is Ary and from the title of the blog, you can probably guess that my favorite book is The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  I had a little bit of a love affair with the book. It sat on the featured shelf at the school library for weeks, catching my eye every time I walked past it. After those weeks of flirting, I picked up the book and fell in love. As someone who struggles with anxiety, the book made me feel more normal, so I guess that’s why it’s so important to me. Plus, what high school student doesn’t love a good tale of high school and coming of age? 

The book sparked what become a more profound love for literature, filling the void that was there based on lack of friends. Over the course of my junior year, I read 13 novels, some of them more than once. It made me realize why words, written words, are so important to people. It is a portal that allows room for escape. 

So, I’m going to use this blog for a few things. I’ll probably give some reviews of books, plays, musicals, and other bits of media that are effecting my life. I’ll also use this a lot for just sharing my life. I recently found a deep love for a musical, so a lot of these are going to act almost as letters to myself. I was so inspired by this musical, that I realized maybe by sharing what I’m going through, someone else can find what they need. 

Outside view on Fifth Harmony

If there is one reason I cant join fandoms that revolves around bands or groups is because of how divided those fans become when members leave. I was thinking about it because my tumblr has lately had a lot of Fifth Harmony stuff floating around it, especially after pushing a fifth member off stage? Petty? Perhaps. Here is an outsiders view on when a musician leaves a group. 
Musical theatre is my passion. I love to listen to and see musicals, it just makes me extremely happy. A large part of an actors career comes from the accomplished shoes they’ve done. I’ll use the example of Daveed Diggs, the original Thomas Jefferson and Lafayette in Hamilton, the musical. 
Now, Diggs brought an energy and life into the role he originated. When the musical was young, I remember telling a friend I didn’t know how anyone would come close to playing the character in a way that is so pleasing to the audience. Well, currently, there are three different main actors who play the same character on Broadway, Chicago, and in the touring cast, all of which are killing it, for lack of a better term. Just because he left, the show itself didn’t loose it’s spark that first captivated audiences. 
Now, I know shows get new actors to replace the old ones, but it doesn’t make fans bitter towards the actor who left. Diggs has been successful in his career and has even made appearances on television. The fandom openly embraces his successes, rather than being bitter that he left the role. 
I think fandoms revolved around musical groups, such as previously mentioned Fifth Harmony, should realize that their musical group is still wonderful and talented, the audience still enjoying the show. The lack of that fifth member doesn’t take away from the group, but rather alter it. That being said, the people who would so openly embrace Camila while she was with the group should continue to embrace her success and feel proud that a member of their community was able to continue in s direction that better suited that artist.After all, Beyoncé left Destiny’s Child and was extremely successful because of it. We cannot attack an artist for branching out to chase other goals and successes. 
Overall, fandoms should be more happy for the real lives effected by them. All musicians should be happy when another musician is successful because it helps with the legitimacy of that art form and gives hope to others in that community. Rather than fighting each other, artists and fans should strive for a more unified society. 

Dear Anxiety, You suck

So anxiety blows and most people won’t get it. I get it. It feels like every time I take one step forward, I also take two back, but there is comfort in knowing that my struggle isn’t one of a kind. There are plenty of people with this issue, and it’s comforting because I know that if they can live with it, so can I. 

Something I hate passionately is being told I don’t look like someone with anxiety. Okay, so I like the arts, have a perfect family, and can eat, that doesn’t mean I don’t have issues. It makes me upset because then I feel so much more singled out. I can’t be alone in this! I mean what does anxiety even look like, what is the stereotype and why don’t I fit it? I mean, I don’t want to fit it or have issues at all, but alas, I do. 

That being said, why do people want to have mental illnesses so bad? My cousin, bless her heart, tells me I don’t understand, she has issues and anxieties. I’ll let you in on a secret, what she has is high school stress, not anxiety. What she has is band-wagon-itis. She has every issue mentioned on Tumblr or in a book, or as seen on TV; she thinks these problems are cool. Word of advice, you don’t want it. If you don’t have a mental illness, please don’t actively try to get one. 

Some people just don’t get it. Okay, so I start crying because I was freaking out, and it seams out of the blue. My mom tries desperately to understand, but the point is they can’t. People who don’t have it can’t really fully understand. We can’t expect them to. Point is, if we don’t have patience, they won’t. It’s super hard when you are anxious, but I’ve noticed that if I say I’m having a hard time, my mom is much more sensitive. Then again, she also doesn’t know how dark and tormented my mind can be, but that’s my own fault, it’s me that doesn’t share as much as a could. Maybe if I was drunk, no that’s a bad idea, but anyways, I’m just closed off when I’m face to face. 

It’s a funny story, well it’s actually not funny, but I tried to explain to my mom while we were in line for the Starbucks drive through about my issues. I was basically trying to tell her “hey, we need to find me a therapist before I hit the self destruct button and literally like, go nuts or something .” What came out, was more like a kind of forced, awkward laughter, but it wouldn’t stop coming out, and I was so nervous I just word vomited everything but what I was supposed to say.

The laughter is much better than the crying, though. There are times I just try to find the words I need to say, to ask for help, and before I can do anything I just start balling. It’s like my mind is hiding the bad parts, the parts that no one wants to see. It’s lik my subconscious self is forcing laughter, or tears, anything to keep me for outing myself, showing the most exposed side of me. 

I have only one friend who really knows what’s going on, and even he only knows via the filter I put on my texts as to not worry him. What’s great though is that he gets me. In his own way, even though he has his own stuff going on, he is there and patient and understanding. It’s so much more than I honestly deserve. 

One thing I recommend, find a friend who gets what you’re going through. Even if they don’t get it exactly, if you have a problem, find someone with problems. There is comfort in the lack of singularity, the reassurance that we are not alone in our battles with our selves, that we can take arms with someone else and fight together. 

Though I’m sure almost no one will read this,  if you ever feel alone, I’m here. What’s great about the friend ship I have with that person, is it’s not about fixing someone else, but about just being there through it all. The shoulders we use to cry make strong foundations for better tomorrows, foundations which we can build off of to make better, happier, and healthier versions of ourselves.